By George “Crystal Ball” Leetch 5-2-10
Drugs, alcohol, electronic motion games, subversive music, devil worship, water, and now a new threat to America’s youth: Walking.
The youth of America certainly have no trouble being corrupted; anything can be twisted into demented, tawdry shapes by their grasping claws. Drugs were okay when kings, pundits, and music stars abused them, but the instant kids got their grubby hands on them it became a big deal to do drugs. Now the Youth of America are wrecking themselves with a new twisted pastime; walking.
Walking is destroying the family structure of the great American dream household. This insidious method of locomotion is steamrolling right over the white picket fence of the American psyche, yet it is committing an even greater sin by giving the keys of that steamroller to the 2.5 kids of the dream household. “Walking has recently allowed kids to commit all sorts of devious acts.” Said a leading expert on youth’s behavior patterns whose name you wouldn’t recognize. “Kids have killed countless hardworking calories with their horrible ‘movement.’” This genocide of calories is bringing down the proud tradition of childhood obesity that has been mounting in this fair nation of ours for years, and the kids motives go far beyond those simple yet destructive ends.
We interviewed one of the growing subset of America’s youth who are engaging in the act of walking to see what the big deal is. When we very calmly waved multiple microphones and video cameras in his face while docilely interrogating him about why he was hurting his grandmother he responded by telling us that he was “just” going to meet with some gang he referred to as “his friends” and that they were going to engage in a horrible ritual they called “hanging out.” When we pressed for further information he proceeded to do the unthinkable; he walked away from our crew. The proud tomahto staff attempted pursuit, but by the time we called the van over so we would not walk ourselves the hooligan was gone.
The Parents of the Youth of America are trying their best to curb this movement of walking. We interviewed the caring couple who had birthed the same walking fiend that we interrogated earlier: “We’re at our wit’s end.” The 340 pound mother said, “We’ve tried to show him that it is so much easier to be driven around in the hummer whenever we even go to the neighbors, but he just doesn’t seem to get it.” “We weren’t sure he was right in the head.” Her 400 pound husband continued, “but the doctors told us he was fine. We aren’t so sure about them though; we think that they are walking sympathizers because they said we should try it sometime to help out health.”
Clearly, if even our health industry is being permeated by walking sympathizers, something needs to be done. Luckily, our friends in Washington have the answer. A new movement has formed that is slowly gathering momentum; the Restriction of Locomotions Act of 2010. The leader of the coalition agreed to an interview with us. “Youth need to learn that there are better modes of Transportation—Cars, Buses, and Planes--- before they are allowed to even attempt the possibly subversive hobby of walking” he continued, “This new law will make it so everyone needs to be at least 22 years of age before they can get their walking permit.” He then described an elaborate system of tests that would take a decade to complete which would allow a citizen to be a proud carrier of a Walking License. At this point he dismissed us and continued chiseling out the finer points of the Bill onto his stone tablet.
These measures of precaution are required to save our fat from the fire. 30% of America’s Youth die of malnutrition, and they could have all been saved had they conserved all their energy and fallen into a deep hibernation instead of rending their lives and those of their families by walking. With our level of science the age when we can teleport anywhere is nigh, and America’s Youth are stunting the glorious conversion by continuing to walk. They must learn that unassisted locomotion is a horrible thing by spending years crawling on all fours whenever they do not want to drive or be driven. Only this conditioning can save them from the horrible fate that awaits them if they continue down the back road that can only be reached by walking.
Complete Restriction of Locomotions Act of 2010 can be found here
